


Drop of Water

by cuxatroleum



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Addict With A Pen, Crisis of Faith, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Songfic, self titled
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-07-26 07:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7565086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuxatroleum/pseuds/cuxatroleum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler is falling away from faith and Josh is being an anxious and emotionally incompetent mess not able to properly help him. Also Tyler seems to have a fucking special relationship to that damn lake like c'mon boy just let it GO </p><p>An Addict With A Pen inspired fanfic because its my fave</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not finished and also im sorry for my poor english/writing skills but it suits me xoxo
> 
> Also still i hope ull enjoy it since i put a lot of effort and not sleeping into this
> 
> EDIT: just edited some typos and missing words like smh how can one just forget to write entire words

When Josh arrived to service, Tyler was already sitting in the front row of the small church, eagerly anticipating the beginning of it, just like he did every Sunday. They had known each other for about 3 years now, because that's when Josh had moved into the small town, and since this was the only church there, it was only a matter of time until they had caught each other's attention.  
  
Back then, he had still had black hair which he used to brush into his face in an attempt to escape other people's looks. Of course they were still looking, but at least he wouldn't notice it and experience some form of safety, which made his anxiety feel less overwhelming and actually enabled him to go outside more often without having nervous breakdowns.   
When he had first sawn Tyler though, the first urge he got hadn't been to run away and avoid any possible contact; instead he had felt a strange pull towards him which had lead to him sitting down next to the other boy. Unfortunately they had both been too shy to actually say anything, so it had taken them about three more Sundays to finally build up the courage to start a conversation. Josh remembered Tyler saying something along the lines of "Hey what's up with your hair?", which first startled him terribly but somehow the tone of his voice didn't really sound mocking but instead just geniuely curious. Josh had been pretty sure that he would have instantly moved seats and never seeked contact again after such a sentence but something about that Tyler boy just had seemed to be special and so he had decided to stay seated which had made it possible for an actual conversation to develop.

"I'm sorry, that was rude. I'm just wondering why you are hiding your face when you obviously have very strong features..", Tyler explained himself.

At first Josh had made a disgusted face, due to him not being used to being complimented (especially for his 'strong features' - what a weird compliment, honestly) and hadn't really known how to respond properly, but eventually he had blurted out an "Okay", which had seemed to confuse the boy sitting next to him, leading to him uncomfortably biting his lip. Josh had instantly realized his mistake and decided to form a whole sentence.

"Oh, no, this wasn't meant in a bad way i swear! I... I _appreciate_ your compliment, it just really caught me off guard and i didn't know how to react. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. Like, it was a really nice thing you said and I'm really sorry. You seem to be very kind. Sorry. I am bad at doing social stuff like talking and... things.."

Tyler had been staring at him while he had tried to form proper sentences, a wicked smile on his lips and a happy glow in his dark brown doe eyes.

"Three", he said.

"What?"

"You said sorry three times."

"Oh. Sorry 'bout that..."

"Four times now"

Joshs cheeks had started to turn a bright shade of pink and his whole body had been aching from wanting to escape but his mind not letting it. He had had absolutely embarassed himself and anything he said had just seemed to make it worse. For a short moment his mind had shut down and he felt paralyzed, numb, far away. Then the other boy had gently nudged him and when their eyes met, he had smiled as if to say 'it's okay'. Josh's heart rate had gone down again and he had slowly regained control over his senses and motions. His brain though had still been so pumped with adrenaline that he had decided to raise and just leave the service early to prevent a complete disaster.

"I hope I see you next Sunday", Tyler had said.

"Oh, and by the way, I'm Tyler!", he had yelled before Josh rushed out the heavy doors and left most other people present in the building confused.

- 

When 'next Sunday' arrived, Josh had set foot outside his house like usual, but this time something had been different about him. He could feel everyone's looks resting on him just like in middle school, and he had felt the panic crawl up his neck once again. Still he had been dedicated on attending church that day so he had endured the overwhelming feeling and basically ended up just running all the way to the holy building, until he opened the door, stepped in and spotted the other boy sitting in the front row. As he walked up to him, Tylers facial expression had grown increasingly surprised until he would let out a tiny, almost inaudible gasp.

"You cut your hair!", he had exclaimed and besides the obvious surprise, Josh could also hear slight guilt in his voice.

"It's not your fault.", Josh had tried to comfort him. He did know that he did it because of Tyler, but not because he had felt ashamed for his haircut. More likely because he had felt kind of flattered by his words and had wanted to impress him. But of course he would've had never told that to anyone.

"I just felt like it's time for something new, y'know? Like, we moved here and everything is just fresh and new anyway, so I thought 'Hey, why not?'", he had lied.

The Sundays had started to pile up until the boys had decided to meet on days that weren't Sundays to get to know each other better and their friendship had grown very fond since then.

Josh liked to think back to those days every now and then because they made him realize how much Tyler had changed his life since then and made him appreciate his friend even more. He had gifted him friendship without demanding anything back but the time they spent outdoors or in front of the tv playing video games. He had also given him the confidence he needed to feel safe even without a curtain of black hair in front of his face - instead it had changed its color to red, blue, green, and lavender tones over the course of the last few years and not only had his outer appeareance become more colorful, but also everything around him seemed more vivid since Tyler had been around.

 

Still, lately there had been something off with him, and Josh had planned on finding out today what exactly was bothering his friend so much that he hadn't been going to church for a whole month, considering the fact that Tyler was actually a very faithful Christian who normally would only miss out on Sundays when he was too sick to even leave his bed. But to Josh, Tyler looked pretty fine today, besides the slight worry lines popping out of his forehead, and so he came to the conclusion that there had to be something else wrong with him than just a common cold.  
As he sat down beneath him, Tyler turned towards him and greeted him with a friendly smile, which made Josh very uncomfortable because he was eerily aware of the fact that it wasn't a geniue smile. Besides a casual 'Hello' they didn't really talk much that day until the service ended and both left the building.  
As Tyler was about to head home, Josh grabbed his shoulder and waited until he turned around.

"What's wrong, Josh?", he asked in a confused voice and Josh watched his gaze slide downwards, as he almost guiltily eyed the hot pavement, and it seemed as if he had dreaded this moment for quite a while now.

"I-"

"I know, we haven't talked in quite some time and I'm really sorry about that", he cut Josh off and when he looked up again his eyes were glassy and the corners of his mouth were jerking slightly.

"It's just... it's just that some shit from the past has started to resurface lately and I feel so bad for not telling you about anything of it but i didn't want to bother you with my problems, you know?"

Josh knew that Tyler disliked talking about himself and preferred to talk about Josh instead and he never really complained either because it felt good to just have someone who listened to him pouring his heart out but suddenly he felt incredibly ashamed and guilty because he had never considered that Tyler probably had his own fights to fight. Yes, he knew a lot of things about his best friend, but there were still a lot of very important and crucial things he was completely unaware of. He felt a headache developing on the left side of his skull and all of a sudden he didn't want to talk to Tyler anymore because he realized that he would probably not be able to help him anyway and he hated himself for that thought because he knew that running away wouldn't solve anything and also wouldn't make him understand Tyler and his issues any more.

"I don't really want to talk about it right now, okay?", he said and Josh instantly scolded himself for being kind of relieved by hearing those words.

As he watched Tyler walk home alone he angrily bit his tongue until it started to bleed a little bit and hurt really bad.

_Stupid coward. Disgusting fake-friend. Selfish prick._

-

The next day when he was trying to swallow the cereal that had become soggy and gross in his mouth he thought of possible plans to make his friend open up to him. He had considered maybe talking to his mom at first but then labeled it a very bad idea since he didn't want to betray Tylers trust by asking his mother things he was obviously not ready to talk about yet. He decided to just flush the remaining cereal down the toilet and go out on a walk. He thought that maybe some fresh air could help him think of something good and regretted his decision instantly when he stepped out his door. The heatwave that hit him caused him to groan agonized and he thanked god for currently being on summer break because he would have probably died if he had to sit in a stuffy classroom full of sweating people.

"I can't think clear like this", he mumbled discouraged when he suddenly remembered that a few minutes away there was a small lake which he and Tyler always used to go to until a bunch of other kids from Tylers school claimed it as their territory and decided to terrorize anyone who didn't fit into their definition of cool. Of course they could have tried standing up against them but in the end they decided that it's not worth the effort and just retreated from the lake. Half a year later the town administration decided to put a huge fence around the area to keep the youngsters, who were increasingly littering the place, out. Josh and Tyler though saw their chance and illegally pinched a hole into a part of the wire fence that was hidden in the bushes so that they could sneak in and out without anyone noticing or accidentally stumbling upon their secret entrance. Josh hadn't been there for about a year so he expected the bushes to kind have grown over the hole but when he arrived there it looked like someone had already broken most of the bothersome branches off and crawled through the fence. Perplexed he ducked through the wires and brushed some dust off his pants when he stood up again.

Maybe it wasn't hidden as good as we thought, he tried to explain the situation to himself, until he decided to just let it slip. Standing in front of the still, slightly murky water he raised his eyebrows, shrugged, and put on his swimming trunks, before he jumped into the refreshingly cold water. As he resurfaced he noticed red color in the water. He knew fresh dye bled out a little at first so he didn't worry about it that much but then it came to his mind that his dye wasn't fresh and most importantly he recalled his hair currently being violet. Bewildered he got out of the water and checked his limbs for cuts, but couldn't find anything besides a few rather small scratches which most probably weren't the source of the blood in the water. Now noticeably more alarmed he started to check the water for animal bodies - or worse - floating around but couldn't spot anything conspicious. Just as he decided that he had had enough refreshment for the day - or even the whole week for that matter - something touched his back and he let out a very soft scream of surprise.

"!", he exclaimed.

"Don't scream, you egg", another voice said.

As Josh turned around he recognized Tyler standing in front of him. He was wearing jeans and a hoodie and he was soaking wet.

"What the heck"

"I didn't think you'd come here without me. Y'know, since we always used to go together.."

"Tyler, why for god's sake are you so wet?"

Tyler frowned displeased and gently rubbed the back of his head. He seemed to be in pain.

"God, I wish I knew. I don't really remember coming here, all I know is that I hurt my head on something."

His dark brown doe eyes were kind of flickering and he seemed to be pretty disoriented in general. Even though Josh had wished for an occasion to talk to Tyler, he didn't exactly imagine it to be like this. Besides that, they had other things to worry about than talking, since Tyler was bleeding from a huge laceration on his head and they had to go to the hospital as soon as possible.

-

Since Tyler had pleaded him to not tell his mom about the incident, Josh had decided to take his mom's car to drive Tyler to the nearest hospital. He was sitting on the backseat, looking pretty tired and dizzy and Josh tried to think of something to keep him awake.

"Hey Tyler, lets play a game, like whoever sees a yellow car first-"

"Don't you want to know how I hit my head?"

"You told me you didn't remember anything"

Tyler's speech was sounding kind of slurred but Josh wasn't sure whether he was just trying to fuck with him, so he took a look into the rear mirror just to directly meet Tyler's gaze, who was staring directly into his eyes in the mirror. Something about him gave off a chilling vibe to Josh and he really wished they could drive faster on this stupid road.

"I didn't lie to you, just so you know. But some memory fragments came back. So do you want to know now or not"

"Please tell me everything you can remember"

Even though he focused on the street again, he could still feel the dark brown eyes resting on him, almost piercing him. For a moment he wondered whether he was at fault for this whole incident. Maybe Tyler blamed him for this, maybe he had wanted him to stop him from going home alone on Sunday. Quickly he tried to wipe these thoughts out of his mind to focus on driving the car savely to their destination, but he couldn't get rid of them completely.

"I remember searching for him"

"For whom?"

"He called for me to go there and I did. I just wanted to be close to him"

"Tyler who are you talking about? Is there someone I should know about?"

Suddenly the boy in the backseat desperately started sobbing and crying.

"Josh, Josh, I think he abandoned me."  
-

When Josh openend the door to the backseat of the car, Tyler had already passed out. Worried he opened the seatbelt and tried to pull him out. But the boy was heavier than he could lift with ease, so when he had finally managed to get him out of the vehicle, the limp body fell onto the warm asphalt of the parking lot.

"Fuck", Josh cursed under his breath. He didn't want to inflict even more pain onto his friend's body and yet there he was. After some failed attempts to maybe get him on his back to carry him, a nurse who happened to notice him struggling rushed towards him with a wheelchair.

"What's wrong? Do you need help?", she asked and Josh's face turned bright red as he realized that she must have seen his ridiculous attempts to lift an approximately 120 pounds light body without success. As his gaze fell onto the wheelchair his embarassment only intensified.

_God, I'm so stupid. Why didn't I think of that?_

_Because you would've had to ask someone for it_ , another voice in his head said.

_Of course._

Even though Tyler had helped to reduce his social anxiety to a bare minimum, he still had trouble talking to strangers. That he was currently unconscious and barely hanging in his arms didn't neccessarily make the situation any better. Lacking speech, he just blankly stared at the woman in front of him, nodding shyly.

"Okay. You grab him under his arms and i'll take his legs. Let's go."

Together they heaved the boy into the wheelchair and started maneuvering him towards the back entrance.

"Jesus", the nurse mumbled a little irritated, as they struggled to keep Tyler sitting upright without falling off the ride.

"Bringing a gurney would've been more appropriate. How stupid of me."

Josh, who had been walking beneath the wheels to hold the unconscious' shoulders to prevent him from tilting forwards, sheepishly looked up to her.

"It's okay, don't worry", he mumbled, before adding a rather unconvinced "We got this."

-

Standing at the reception desk, he suddenly regretted not informing Tyler's mom or at least taking anyone with him, as a lady with unfriendly green eyes started to ask him questions regarding the situation and personal information. Only partly listening to her, Josh cut her off, overwhelmed by his anxiety.

"PleasejusthelphimhehurthisheadprettybadIguess", he blurted out, closing his eyes to avoid having to see the receptionist's reaction. The nurse who had accompanied him, whispered something to her, pulled a nearby doctor close to hand Tyler over to him, and then gently shoved Josh into an unoccuppied treatment room, shutting the door behind them.

"Doctor Lín will take care of everything now, don't worry. He's pretty good.", she finally said.

"I noticed you felt really uncomfortable so I supposed getting you out of the unpleasant situation might help you acclimatize a little. You don't need to answer questions right now since it's more important to help your friend first anyway, but please understand that we have to ask you some things. So you can stay here for a while until you feel able to talk to us, okay?"

She then turned around and went to leave the room, as Josh suddenly spoke up.

"I can talk now. I can talk", he said, not really convinced of his words though, but he knew that it wouldn't get easier for him whether he waited or not, and besides that the nurse seemed to be the least unpleasant to talk to at the moment.

"If that's the case then I'm going to send someone in in a minute."

Josh froze and stared at her leaving in terror. This was not what he wanted. He didn't want to see another stranger's face, let alone talk to them. For a minute he thought about possible outcomes if he just left but no, he couldn't do this with Tyler being around. He depended on him and he couldn't just leave him to wake up all alone in a hospital bed without remembering what had happened to him. Exactly those thoughts were what had caused this situation in the first place so he wasn't going to make the same mistake again. He had to act like a friend for once.  
Then the door opened and a person stepped in.

"Hey... I know this is a bit awkward, but apparently there's no one really available right now, so you'll just have to talk to me I guess", the nurse from earlier said. As Josh recognized her the pressure in his stiff limbs lessened and he quickly wiped his teary eyes with the back of his hand. She grabbed a rolling chair, sat down on it, and carefully slid in front of him.

"So, tell me what happened, please."

"I wasn't there when it happened. I went to a lake nearby my house and there was blood in the water. I first thought I had hurt myself without noticing or something but then Tyler appeared and he was all wet and bleeding from his head.."

"So you know each other?"

"Yes. He's my friend."

She nodded.

"You said his name was Tyler, would you please tell me his surname?"

"Joseph. His name's Tyler Joseph. He could have a middlename though, I'm not sure."

She wrote something down on a clipboard, then looked at him again to signal him to continue talking.

"I didn't know why he was there and why his clothes were wet and when I asked him about it, he said he didn't remember. I suppose he fell into the lake and hit his head on a rock though. I can't think of any other explanation."

He remembered what Tyler had told him while they were sitting in the car, but he didn't feel like it would be of any help to the doctors to quote Tyler's confusing babbling that most probably was caused by a concussion.

"He seemed rather confused and disoriented the whole time and-"

Josh stopped mid-sentence when he thought further about the name the nurse had noted down.

"Wait, you're not going to call his parents, are you? There's a reason we came here on our own and he pleaded me to not tell them about anything"

The woman gave him the concerned look adults give teenagers when they are behaving ill-considered. Her eyes seemed to say 'Oh, come on" and he realized that there was nothing he could do to prevent them from calling Tylers parents and telling them everything Josh just told the nurse sitting in front of him.

"Please, I don't know why it's so important to him that his parents don't know but he seemed really distressed. I don't think he did anything bad, he's not like that. There must be a valid reason, I'm sure..."

"Hey boy, listen. His parents must be really concerned right now. You just drove off with a car of which I'm sure it doesn't belong to you. You're going to be in trouble either way, regardless of whether we inform them about it or not. Don't you think Tyler's parents would notice the hole on the back of their son's head? Or the hospital bill? Besides that it's also our - my responsibilty to tell them everything I know. I can go to jail for ignoring this responsibility. So be mad at me all you want, but please understand that I'm not doing this because I want to be a stinky adult but because I have to."

Resignated Josh sank deeper into his chair and really all he wanted right now was to disappear - or better yet; to stop overall existing. He knew it was unfair to blame the nurse for his misery but still he couldn't help but to stare at her, feeling betrayed and used. In that moment, the door opened again, this time a tall chinese man sticking his head through the gap.

"Um, Katie, just wanted to tell you that I'm finished now. The wound wasn't really that bad, head injuries always look way worse than they actually are. Right now he's three doors away sleeping. He has a concussion though, so I think it'd be better if you placed a vomiting basin beneath his bed for when he has to throw up. If he wants to, his friend can go see him."

-

As Josh set foot into the small patient room his gaze fell upon the back of Tyler's head which Dr. Lín had wrapped a bandage around. Next to his bed was a chair with the wet clothes hanging over the back of it. Josh noticed that they had taken off his underwear as well and he remembered the last time he had to wear one of those stupid hospital gowns. The fabric felt uncomfortable and the overall concept of the backless pieces of clothing was just anxiety inducing. He didn't have to take off his underwear though, but it came to his mind that Tyler's most probably hadn't dried yet and that they therefore took it off to prevent him from catching a cold. A tiny giggle escaped his mouth as he thought about being a doctor and having to undress unconscious people. He wondered whether Dr. Lín had felt like a creep doing it, but in the end he thought probably not. After all he likely had to do it every so often.

Josh walked around the bed so that he could see Tyler's face and sat down on the chair with the clothes on it. His eyes were closed and he looked rather pale, but that probably was because of the blood loss and the scare of getting injured. His brown hair had mostly dried and was now looking kind of weird unstyled. Now that Josh thought about it, he had never seen Tyler's hair without a little bit of gel in it. Even when they had sleepovers, Tyler always woke up with maybe a little ruffled hair but still it didn't look like it did now.  
Just as he thought about maybe touching it to fix it a little to make it look less strange, Tyler started to move. Groaning he sat up, and his pale green skin tone was suggestive enough for Josh to quickly hand him the vomiting basin. Rapidly he snatched it out of his hands and puked into it. He didn't really turn away, so Josh couldn't avoid watching him, feeling nausea creeping up his throat, causing him to jolt out of his seat and stepping a few feet away.

"Sorry", Tyler said after he was finished, wiping his mouth with a paper napkin. His voice sounded really hoarse and weak, but not nearly as terrifying as when they were driving.

"It's okay, buddy. Let me bring you some water to get that nasty taste out of your mouth."

As he handed him the glass he noticed him nervously fingering his throat. Maybe the stomach acid had hurt his esophagus a little, Josh thought.

"Thanks..."

Tyler appeared a little lost in thought, seeming to be very conflicted about whether he wanted to say something or not. Eventually, he opened his mouth and sounded pretty sad.

"Josh, I think it's time for me to talk to you about this", he said.

He gestured Josh to lean in a little and then pointed to his neck, right above his larynx. He had a scar there which Josh knew about, but when he had asked about it, he had always laughed it off as a stupid bike accident back when he was a child.

"You know this scar, right?"

"Yeah, you told me, but what does it have to do with today?"

"Well, I lied to you that time."

"Oh."

"A few years ago, about two years before you moved here, I almost drowned in that lake. When they finally managed to pull me out I was already unconscious and kind of fucked so in the hospital they had to cut my throat open to perform a tracheotomy because I wasn't breathing on my own. I had to wear tubes in my neck for about a week whilst being unconscious."

Josh, overwhelmed by that piece of information, just looked at him with a dull expression, searching for words for a response.

"So the thing is, I didn't just slip and like fall into the lake, I knew what I was doing."

As he noticed a sudden change in Josh's face, he quickly explained himself.

"It wasn't a suicide attempt, don't worry please. I'm fine."

An ironic snicker came out of his throat.

"I walked into the lake because I was hallucinating. I thought there wasn't a lake and that I could just walk straight through it. I hadn't had any hallucinations since then so I figured I was just dehydrated or something but this month it started again and actually they are worse than anything I've ever experienced before."

"Is that why you didn't come to church?"

"I don't know, man", Tyler said and Josh could tell he was lying. Up until now he had been glad that Tyler finally opened up to him but now it seemed like he was revoking again and he wondered whether it was his fault. Maybe he should have freaked out more, showed that he was truly worried. Which he was, but he had thought staying as calm as possible and having a rational conversation would be the best choice to make.

_Stupid. You're so fucking stupid._

Tyler stared at him for a while until he decided it was time to make the atmosphere less tight.

"I believe I'm not wearing underpants", he said.

-

"Hey baby, the nurse told me what happened", Tyler's mom said as she came into the room.

"This summer really is far too hot! I heard about old people fainting because of the heat, but I didn't expect a young man like you to surrender to the weather! Did you drink enough before leaving the house?"

After holding back his surprise, Tyler shook his head, staring at her with a make-pretend guilty expression.

"Well, you can be really glad Josh was around! God knows what would've happened if he hadn't been. Seriously, I thought you were old enough to take care of yourself, but apparently I was wrong. I will watch your water intake from now on, young man."

She probably had tried to sound mad, but in the end she just made a slightly concerned impression. Tyler's mom had never been really good at acting and the sigh she left out expressed her mild disappointment over that fact.

"Anyways, thank you Josh, for helping my son out. I owe you. Maybe you should come over for dinner sometime."

"No problem, Mrs. Joseph", he said, turning a little red in the face.

"The doctor said they want to keep you here for another day, just to make sure you're okay. The nurse wanted to do some tests later to see if everything is working as it should. Oh, and I almost forgot; I brought you a small bag with fresh clothes and a few snacks."

She handed the bag to Josh, then gently stroked her son's head.

"If you don't mind, I'm leaving now. Your dad's pretty hungry and I want to be back before he attempts to touch anything in the kitchen. I just wanted to check up on you and see if everything's okay. Oh, and Josh? Make sure he drinks enough."

After she had left the room, the boys stared at each other in kind of a daze.

"Did you-"

"No. I thought you were behind this-"

At that exact moment the nurse came in, grinning widely, seemingly proud of herself.

"Hey guys"

Two pairs of eyes rested on her, trying to figure out what had motivated her to lie to Tyler's mom, but she didn't seem to have any intentions to tell them.

"Just stopping by to do some tests."

She motioned Josh to move from his seat so that she could sit down instead.

"Okay, I'll just ask you some questions to make sure your perception is alright again. So tell me, Tyler, who's our current president?"

He waited some time with his response, until dryly blurting out a "Hopefully not Trump."

"Okay, you're good."

-

When Tyler was discharged the next morning, he asked his mom if he could drive with Josh. She said she didn't care, so they split on the parking lot to walk into different directions.

"Hey Tyler?", Josh asked.

"Could it be that you're avoiding your mom?"

Tyler remained silent for a moment before he hesitantly gave a response.

"Yeah I... It's- It's just that I want to be around her as little as possible because I don't want her to be present if I hallucinate again. No one knows about it besides you, and I don't want anyone to find out."

Josh unlocked the car and they both got in, this time with Tyler on the passenger seat. After the car had started and left the parking lot, Josh breathed in as if to say something.

"Please don't", Tyler stopped him.

"I don't want you to lecture me on this."

"No, listen. I know you don't want to hear this, but I really think it would be better for you to talk to an adult about it. It doesn't have to be your parents, but someone needs to know so that they can help-

"Help me? If an adult finds out they're either gonna put me into a nuthouse or make me take prescription pills, and to be honest I can't decide which I find worse - being a lunatic or an drug addict."

"Wait, what? Taking medication doesn't make you a drug addict-"

"It's not what God would want", Tyler blurted out in a harsh voice, making Josh wince like a beaten dog. He had never used a sharp tone towards him before, so it hurt him to hear his friend speak to him like this. Still, the sentence itself seemed rather confusing and out of context to him, so he decided to respond, ignoring his anxiety telling him to just keep quiet for the rest of the 30 minute drive.

"What does God have to do with this?", he asked through clenched teeth, his eyes taped to the road to avoid eye contact with the other boy, whose mood semmed to have shifted drastically again.

"Josh, do you ever think about your faith?", he asked, his voice suddenly sounding very small and fragile.

"Not really, why?", Josh responded warily.

"In the bible, water equals grace, faith, stuff like that, right?"

"Tyler, we go to church together every Sunday."

"However. Please promise me that you won't tell this to anyone, but to be honest I've been struggling to hold onto faith lately. I just... I don't know why but somehow God has been fading from my mind lately and as he leaves, the hallucinations and bad feelings are taking his place."

Tyler was now crying, sobbing into his hands, cupped over his mouth, as if to shove his pain right back into his body again, to not let it out, especially not in front of his best friend.

"I'm deperate to know what I am doing wrong. So wrong that God feels like he has to abandon me."

Josh acknoledged that at this point he wasn't able to safely drive the car anymore, so he drove off the small road onto a small patch of grass and stopped the car.

"What does this have to do with water?", he asked and he felt terrible for not comforting Tyler first, but he felt like needed to understand what was behind the analogy of water and god to get what Tyler was trying to say.

"You know human bodies consist of about sixty-five percent water?"

He sniffled a little and tried to turn down his crying so that he could have a proper conversation.

"So that means we consist of about sixty-five percent of His grace. Babies are born with seventy-five percent. Somehow, we seem to lose some of our connection to god with age, but usually he doesn't take more from us after we reach a certain point. At least that's how it should be. But for some reason I think I'm maybe at fifty percent right now, just on the edge of having to decide what I want to believe."  
"So you didn't go to church because you felt ashamed", Josh observed.

"You didn't want to attend the service acting like a faithful christian when you didn't know whether you could even believe in God anymore. I understand now. I'm sorry."

He didn't really know what else to tell his struggling friend except for 'sorry'. He really didn't know. So he just looked at him with sad eyes and Tyer looked back at him, his eyes not neccessarily sad but just empty and incredibly tired. Josh started to wonder whether he actually had slept in the past month. Now that he thought about it, the concussion might've not been the only reason for him collapsing. Maybe Tyler was caught in a vicious circle of not sleeping because of hallucinations and delusions and developing those symptions because of sleep deprivation. Some part of him really wanted to believe that all his friend needed to feel better was a good night's sleep, but another part of him knew that that was just wishful thinking.

"Let's drive home", Tyler said eventually. His voice sounded drained but he tried really hard to sound like he was okay. Seeing his friend like this was a completely new experience for Josh and it was hard for him to stay collected. Usually he was the one talking about his problems and Tyler was the one who listened and comforted him. It hurt to know that not only he had to be strong for the other boy now, but also that he was absolutely incompetent at doing so. He wondered how it always seemed to easy when someone else did it for him, and he wished his friend would feel okay enough to share his secrets with him. He then remembered that Tyler probably always had had problems, but just didn't talk about them. He realized, that all this time, he had likely only pretended to be okay, to make Josh feel comfortable holding onto him and using him as a crutch.

 _Maybe that's really all it is about_ , he thought.

_Maybe all it takes is playing pretend._

With this thought he started the motor again and drove the car back onto the street, heading towards their home town. He had decided he wanted to give his best friend the best acting performance he was capable of, even if it meant ignoring his own worries and struggles. This was not about him anymore.

 _Just try to be a friend for once_ , he told himself.

-

Josh's mom had taken a few days off, very much to his disfavor. She seemed to know about his conflict with Tyler and had tried to adress the issue a few times already, but Josh had always found a way out of it up until now - mostly because she had to go to work at noon and therefore didn't really have the time to convince him to talk to her. The fact that she now had decided to call off work bothered him, because it meant that she would try all day now to annoy him enough for him to just spill everything.  
At the breakfast table, she sat down next to him waiting for his poptarts to come out of the toaster. She didn't even make the effort to act like she just wanted to have breakfast with her son, therefore the lack of anything edible in front of her.

"Mom, don't you want to eat something before you start nagging? I know it's hard work so you should probably fill up your energy levels beforehand", he sneered at her, getting a little frustrated by the lack of a negative reaction.

"Oh honey, I'm fine, don't worry", she said, snatching one of the ready poptarts out of the toaster and handing the rest to Josh, who frowned slightly.

His mom had always been like that, even when Josh was little. Even back then it had upset him that she probably had the temper of a sloth, never lashing out on him even once. And he had tried really hard to get her to that point every now and then. She never let him win, though. No matter his efforts, she would always just smile at him, pat his head and clean up whatever mess he had made, including breaking her grandparents' old dishes, cutting off her hair while she was sleeping, and even starting a small fire in the living room one time (accidentally though, but she didn't have to neccessarily know that). Due to his anxiety-inflicted quiet character though, he never seemed like a troublesome child to other parents. Whenever they had told his mom what a good-mannered and well-behaved child he was she had always just smiled out of courtesy, being the only one knewing about his actual nature.  
Of course she could have had just given Josh the satisfaction of getting showingly angry over his actions, which would have had probably resulted in him letting it finally go, but she was simply too stubborn to do so and also it had already evolved into some kind of competition for both of them. And she didn't really make the impression of intending to lose it.  
Over the years Josh had just kind of given up when he realized that his mom had the advantage of being much older and more experienced and the the frustration of always losing the game became tiresome to him. Still it became obvious that it wasn't really over much more than superficially whenever he tried to make a sassy comment and she just brushed it off with the nicest smile she could afford at the moment.

Sitting down again beneath him, she nudged him gently, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, knowing damn well that Josh was aware of what she wanted.

"Oh please, can't you just let it go?", he groaned.

"If you talk to me, I might."

Annoyed he gnawed on his poptart, trying to think of ways to get himself out of this conversation.

"I can't believe you would take multiple days off just to get on my nerves, I really can't", he said eventually, frowning irritated.

"You better believe it, young man", she answered, a streak of blonde hair falling into her face.  
She gently brushed it back behind her ear, swallowing the first bite of her breakfast.

"Don't think I don't notice when my son is sorrowed. I know something's off between you and Tyler and I wish you would tell me because, believe it or not, I suffer as well when my baby suffers."

Her almond-shaped brown eyes rested on him, radiating the love only a mother's eyes are capable of. Josh felt some words rising up in his throat, but he swallowed them again. He knew what he was doing to her was exactly what Tyler was currently doing to him, but still he felt like this was a thing between him and the other boy, and it wasn't his mother's right to be part of it.

"Everyone feels fucking entitled to other people's thoughts", he spat out.

In his head, the words hadn't sounded slightly as aggressive as they did when they came out of his mouth. Irritated, his mom frowned and Josh suddenly realized that this was the first time he had ever seen his mother frown because of his actions. It wasn't nearly as satisfying as he always thought it would be. Instead, all he felt was regret and guilt.

"Maybe you're right", she said, sounding unusually resigned, and rose up from the table.

"Maybe we all fucking care too much about the ones we love, it's a shame."

-


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are gonna get a bit more tense from now on hoes so buckle up your hearts
> 
> (this chapter is not finished yet)

As fall approached and the grey air increasingly started to smell of the scent of rotting leafs, Josh sat in his room, wrapped up in a blanket, and stared out of the dirty window. He knew he should probably clean it to be able to tell dirt on the glass and people outside apart again, but the thought of the sharp stench of the window cleanser burning his respiratory tract made him bury his face deeper into the old carpet. It was Sunday, and tomorrow would be Sunday. Tyler had been attending church again and trying to act less concerning since the latest incident, but Josh knew that that wasn't much more than a wall he had erected to keep people who asked questions out of his head. Josh knew that he counted to those people and wasn't sure how to feel about this whole situation yet. He wanted to help Tyler, he wanted Tyler to stop denying his help, and most importantly he wished for the voices inside his head, that told him he was being intrusive, to stop. 

 _Wanting to keep my friend save and show that he can trust me with his problems isn't intrusive at all_ , he kept telling himself.

But somehow he could never quite believe himself. After all, Tyler seemed visibly uncomfortable with Josh interrogating him. Was interrogating the right term? Probably not. He felt more like a dog chasing down a frightened rabbit than a police officer asking a suspect questions. Still, he didn't intend to chase Tyler down to kill him. Hell, he didn't even want to have to chase him in the first place. It was kind of shoving your cat into a kennel to bring it to the vet to get it vaccinated. You have the best intentions but the cat of course isn't aware of that.

Suddenly a spot behind his window began to move and as Josh shifted closer to the big old piece of thick glass, he recognized the figure.

"Tyler", he mumbled and let his blanket slip off his shoulders as he rised from the floor to open the heavy window and lean out of it.

"Hey hottie, where ya headed?", he yelled at his friend who was casually strolling down the sidewalk and kicking dried leafs out of his way. Without even stopping or turning towards the source of the words, he responded.

"Towards your mom's bedroom, asshole"

Josh cackled until he saw Tyler suddenly looking towards his front porch, his pale face suddenly turning into a shade of light pink.

"Young man!", Josh heard his mother yell, who had probably heard the boy's words through a half-opened kitchen window and had now stepped outside. He couldn't see her from his room, but he supposed she was standing there with crossed arms, authoritative look on her face, ready to whoop some ass.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Dun, but I think I really gotta go now! You know, busy schedule and stuff!", the brown-haired boy yelled as he jolted away to made sure to get out of her eyesight as fast as possible. He hadn't come very far yet though as he tripped over his own lanky legs and fell forward, the pavement ripping through the first layer of the brittle skin on his hands. Josh rushed down the stairs and then out of the door, where his mom was still standing. Eyeing the boy laying a hundred meters away, she nudged her son to go pick him up.

"Help that idiot out. I'm getting the first aid kit from the kitchen and seeing if we have a pair of children's band-aids left. The ones with the dinosaurs, you know which ones I mean"

As Josh walked over to the boy now sitting on the ground like a miserable lump, Tyler lifted his head and stared at him with a disappointed expression on his face.

"I thought myself to be so slick", he sighed.

"You soared so high", Josh responded while sitting down next to him.

"I really did"

"It was majestic. Like a bald eagle. I wish you would've gotten away with it. That would've been actually sick"

"So sick"

Both were slightly giggling now and it was the first time in months Josh had seen Tyler burst into a geniue smile again. His eyes were fixed on this view, trying to hold onto it, aware that it could slip away any moment again. He didn't want to let go of it. He wanted to hold onto Tylers smile, to catch and preserve it for him like a rare kind of bug. Knowing that this was nothing more but wishful thinking frustrated him more than he wanted to admit. Why did happiness have to be such a fleeting bastard? And why woulf people like Tyler, who deserved it so much, never get their rightful share? Oh, how he wished he could just absorb his friend's sorrow, soak the tarry substance, that rested in his throat right up. 

"Let's go hope buddy", he eventually said, pushing off the ground and then offering Tyler a hand to get up. As they grabbed each other's wrists and Josh felt Tyler's cold skin touch his he suddenly felt the urge to pull him closer into a soft but still tight hug.

"See, accepting help isn't so bad after all", he murmured gently. Tyler didn't really fight back, instead he lifted his limp arms to grab his friend's shoulderblades and bury his face in his shoulder.

"This is literally the gayest thing", he mumbled into Josh's shirt, the fabric muffling his words.

"Well I guess", the other boy responded, but still not letting go of the thin body he had wrapped his arms around. He felt that Tyler was trusting him and embracing his efforts in this moment and he was afraid, that it would fade again if he dared to let go. He felt a sob making it's way up his throat, but before it could escape his mouth, his mother's voice crossed into the moment.

"Are you done being sissies? I found the band-aids, come over!"

Both boys simulateously released the embrace and Josh sheepishly turned red in the face.

"I'm sorry if that was intrusive"

"No, it's- it's fine. That was good. Let's do it again sometime", Tyler responded with a soft expression, his deep brown eyes fondly staring at him. Josh felt a warm fuzzy feeling of relief developing in his chest. Perhaps Tyler was ready to open up more to him now.

-

"And you're sure you dont want the band-aids? They have dinosaurs on them", Josh's mother asked mockingly, her eyes resting on Tyler's blood-crusted palms.

"I'm pretty sure you don't put band-aids on palms", he responded.

They had washed most of the dirt and blood off and put sanitizer on the wounds to make sure the dirt that still rested in his skin wouldn't cause an infection. Josh was familiar with that process from when he was a kid. He had used to climb trees and cut open his limbs whilst doing it. Riding his bike or inliners had never really resulted in more than bruises since his mom had always paid close attention to whether he wore his protection or not. When he got older though - around fourteen - he had tried to secretly ride the skateboard which had eventually led to a nasty laceration on his shoulder. It had left a scar on his shoulder that Tyler liked to describe as looking like 'a tiny crappy galaxy'.

"Hey Tyler", Josh suddenly blurted out, "do you wanna sleepover? Mom said we're having tacos for dinner."

Tyler just shrugged and shifted his lower lip forwards.

"I guess"

They hadn't hung around with each other for quite some time now so Josh was glad Tyler accepted his invitation, especially since it meant he wasn't trying to avoid him anymore. On the other hand he feared he could mess everything up again by saying or asking something wrong, so he had mixed feelings about this situation. Anxious he started fidgeting with his hands which had broken out in a cold sweat. Tyler's suspicious side-eye towards him showed that he sensed Josh's discomfort though, yet he didn't say anything but just kinda raised from his chair and went to the bathroom.

_Dear god, did I mess up again? Shit, I didn't even say something so far and still managed to ruin eerything. What a fucking mess._

He decided to leave the kitchen as well and walk up the creaking stairs that lead up his room. As he stepped inside and closed the door behind him he realised how dirty his room actually was and shame spread through his body like a shiver. 

_Crap._

Quickly he swooshed empty soda cans and candy wrappers off an empty laundry basket, that had served as a table before, into a bin that was already half filled with old papers, paper tissues, and the butt of a cigarette he had attempted to smoke when his mom had been away over the weekend. All his friends at school were smokers and just pretty edgy people in general and he tried his best to fit in. They had offered him cigarettes before but he had always used pneumonia as an excuse to not embarass himself by coughing like an idiot and exposing himself as a non-smoker. So every now and then he looked for occasions to try it out and get used to the smoke burning his throat and the odd taste of firecrackers on his tongue. The most annoying thing about smoking though were the looks Tyler gave him, when he came over the next day and smelled the smoke in Josh's clothes and hair and on his skin, no matter how hard he tried to get rid of the stench. To be honest, his looks weren't really as annoying as they made him feel like a dog whose owner was scolding him for peeing on the carpet. 

"You don't need those kids if you have to impress them to be likable to them", he used to comment, occasionally shifting further away from Josh on the couch, to be as far away from the smell as possible, without having to give up the closeness to his friend.

"I mean, look at me. I like you for you. So it's possible for others to like you as you come as well, I think"

"And if I actually smoked? What if I liked it? Would you still accept me that way?", Josh would tease him and Tyler would always just scoff and let out an annoyed 'Well I GUESS, if I really HAD to. But you're completely missing my point here"

Lost in thought, he remembered his issue and continued to flip over the basket to then proceed to throw the dirty pieces of clothing in its direction.

 

(...)


End file.
